Help Me, Help Me, I'm All Out of Lies
by A Nameless Traveler
Summary: Tony didn't need her. He didn't. He was Iron Man! A master of seduction! And he had the universe's sexiest superheroes living in his Tower. "JARVIS, make a note. I'm going to seduce the Avengers." Humor, angst, romance, and team feels. Tony tries to seduce his teammates, fails spectacularly… and manages to find friendship along the way. Multiple pairings. Steve/Tony preslash.


**Title:** Help Me, Help Me, I'm All Out of Lies  
**Authoress:** ANT-chan  
**Fandom:** Marvel's Cinematic Universe (The Avengers)  
**Rating/Genre:** Humor/Romance/M  
**Pairings: **Past Tony Stark/Pepper Potts, Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Thor Odinson/Jane Foster, pre-Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Bruce Banner+Tony Stark, Tony Stark/Clint Barton, Tony Stark+Natasha Romanov  
**Summary:** Tony didn't need her. He didn't. He was Iron Man! A genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist! A master of seduction! And he had the universe's sexiest superheroes – of which he was one of, thank you – living in his Tower. "Jarvis, make a note. I'm going to seduce the Avengers." Humor, angst, romance, and team feels. Tony tries to seduce his teammates, fails spectacularly… and manages to find friendship along the way. **M/M, M/F**

**Standard Disclaimer: **I do not own the Avengers, or "50 Ways to Say Goodbye." They belong to Marvel and Train, respectively.

* * *

**Help Me, Help Me, I'm All Out of Lies**

_Chapter 1: If My Friends Ask Where You Are, I'm Gonna Say_

* * *

"Will you just _listen _to me-"

"_No, Tony, you listen. _You never hear me – you just keep going like nothing's wrong-"

"That's because _nothing's fucking wrong, _Pepper!"

"That's a lie and you know it! I swear, Tony…"

This was the scene that greeted the Avengers as the elevator doors opened onto the penthouse foyer. By some stroke of luck, Tony was nowhere in sight, saving all of them from an even greater level of awkward interruption. Both Bruce and Thor had taken a few steps out of the elevator before the shouts had registered with any of them, and Bruce shared Steve's wince, and even Thor's boisterous exclamations had faltered to a stop.

"Maybe," Steve cringed as the shouting intensified. "Maybe we should wait on someone else's floor? Bruce?"

"You're getting… _consumed _by this Avengers thing…"

"Of course, I am! It's my job now, Pepper. Saving people. Kicking ass."

"I know, I know. And I've been trying to… to be okay with that! First with Iron Man and- and Obie. And then with Hammer and Loki. But… _god, _Tony, it's every other week now! I don't know if I can take a repeat of last month!"

"What, those Ten Rings wannabes? Seriously?!"

There was a collective grimace at the mention of that particular disaster. They'd been doing this whole Avengers deal for a grand total of four months, but last month and its terrorist crisis served to remind them that fluid teamwork still had its trials. "Yeah," Bruce finally answered, turning away from the escalating argument. "We can wait out the storm at my place."

They filed back into the elevator, the sound going muffled as the doors shut behind them.

"Perhaps it would be best to remind friend-Tony of tonight's joyous feast of Midgardian Chinese food?" Thor piped up.

From the very back of the elevator, Clint responded with a deadpan, "You wanna get in the middle of that?"

None of them stepped up to that challenge. Not even Thor.

"_Your drinking is getting worse, Tony! You can't expect me to act like this isn't bad for you!_"

The shout was clear as day even through the metal doors. Bruce touched the smooth, buttonless panel of the elevator. "My floor, please, JARVIS."

"Of course, Doctor Banner. Shall I alert you when the shouting has ceased?"

"I… yeah, JARVIS, that'd be good. Thanks." The doors slid open an instant later without a sound, releasing them into Bruce's foyer and open sitting room. Clint and Steve dutifully set their numerous bags of take-out cartons on the wide bar separating the sitting room from the kitchenette before joining the rest of the team on the sofa. There was complete silence. Tony had made sure to soundproof every floor when remodeling the upper levels of the Tower, so there wasn't even a hint of the screaming match going on upstairs – not even to superhuman hearing. But… that only succeeded in making everything worse.

"How long'll they be at it, y'think?" It was Clint who broke the stillness first, from his careless sprawl at one end of the largest sofa. His sharp eyes tracked imaginary paths over the ceiling, but were just as dull and shuttered as they had always been since the team, save Natasha, had met him.

"Ms. Potts has been present at Stark Tower for exactly fifteen minutes, twenty-six seconds," came JARVIS' unheeded response. "If the present topic of argument persists, it will end shortly."

Bruce frowned, fingers nervously drumming on the arm of his favorite overstuffed chair. "Pepper's _here_? She wasn't due back until Tuesday."

"Ms. Potts indeed arrived ahead of schedule. Upon her return, she expressed her concern over Mister Stark's drinking habits." There was a faint touch of disapproval in the AI's tone (because of course Tony Stark would create a program that could scold, sympathize, and be a wellspring of sarcastic wit, as well as be passive-aggressively disapproving), assuring all of them of JARVIS' agreement on the matter.

"That's… not really our business, JARVIS," Steve told the AI, eyes managing to light on what he was sure was one of JARVIS' many discreet cameras. As much as Tony told him not to, Steve could never speak to JARVIS as anything less than a person. The billionaire (play-philanthropist-genius… or however Tony put it) had gone through the trouble of giving JARVIS all the intuitive verbal cues of one, and Steve was going to treat him like it. And that meant looking him in the "eye" when speaking to him.

"Quite right, Captain."

"Maybe Stark will get it through his head this time." It was the first time Natasha had chosen to speak since discovering the argument upstairs. And even though the words were just as neutral and measured as her usual tone, the statement was… ominous.

Bruce leaned his elbows onto his knees, the lines around his mouth deepening suddenly in worry. "Has Pepper said anything?" Other than Tony, Natasha was the closest one of them to Pepper, as a friend and as a bodyguard on some of the CEO's trips out of the country. For a moment it appeared Natasha wasn't going to answer at all, her stoic expression tightening almost imperceptibly.

"Not exactly. She's had… a stressful time. We all have."

It was a truth that rang through all of them. Becoming a team had its good days and bad days – days that you had to learn how to get through without making it worse. Individual stresses became stresses on the team. And lately, the arguments between Tony and Pepper had been getting more and more frequent. What had once been the occasional spat over a call or a disagreement when Pepper had been home at the Tower had now escalated into screaming matches that ended with prolonged absence and an increasingly difficult Tony.

They sat in a rare, collective silence as first one minute, and then another ticked by. And then another. Each stretched on like eternity. And then, finally:

"Miss Potts is leaving Stark Tower now."

Which was really not what any of them desired to hear.

"Ah," Thor rumbled hopefully. "Then will friend-Tony be joining us for our evening feast? Food and drink do well to lift the spirits!"

"Mister Stark has retreated to his laboratory, Prince Odinson. He has initiated security protocol alpha-seven-zero-three, restricting access from any entry code but his own unless under life-threatening emergency."

Thor's smile dropped abruptly, chased away by an expression of such forlorn disappointment that Steve couldn't help but reach for his shoulder.

"I'm sure Stark just needs some time to clear his head, Thor. Let's just eat, okay?"

From across the sitting space, Clint let out a derisive scoff. "If you actually believe that bullshit, you're delusional."

Hey, it was worth a shot.

* * *

_You said it's meant to be,_

_That it's not you, it's me._

* * *

"Sir."

So he drank. And maybe he might drink just a little too much sometimes.

"Sir."

He'd gotten himself under control! He wasn't as nearly as bad as he used to be. The whole… arc reactor, superhero, philanthropist thing kind of helped with that. (Except for that palladium poisoning thing- but hey, he had _been dying. _If that didn't give him a free pass to be a tiny bit reckless, nothing did!) And what the fuck was her _deal _with him being Iron Man? He'd been doing this for going on three years now! It came with risks and Pepper had known that!

But Pepper…

"Sir, biometrics and the number of empty bottles tells me you are at an unacceptable level of inebriation. Shutting down all potentially hazardous projects, and putting welding, cutting, and chemical mixing tools on lockdown."

"GoddaminitJarvish-" Was he actually slurring? "_Fine. _Only thin' I can do isss drink more." He swiped for another bottle, only to have his killjoy of an AI to speak up again.

"Sir, calculations suggest that your blood alcohol content is reaching dangerous levels."

"Fuck you, Jay. I swear t-"

"By code alpha-seven-zero-three, subsection six, continuation of this dangerous behavior requires that I call Miss Potts."

His attempts to grasp for his bottle ceased.

"Shall I call Miss Potts, sir?"

"I… no." Funny how a single question was the verbal equivalent of pouring a bucket of ice water over his head. The mental comparison alone made him shudder. Okay, no more pouring or dunking or any metaphor that included submerging himself. That definitely wasn't good for his mental state. "You're sucha prick, Jarvis."

"If that's what it takes to keep you alive, sir."

Since when did his AI have the capacity for guilt trips? Since when did Tony _allow _the evolution of his AI into such a thing? "You're jus' as bad as Pep…" he sniffed. "Don' need 'er. Don' need you." Even piss drunk, he knew it was a fucking lie. Bigger than any he'd probably ever told. And he was a born liar – a natural talent. He probably had a doctorate in lying. It wouldn't surprise him. He had more degrees than he could ever hope to remember. Some he didn't even attend for, he'd wager. He probably showed up, put on the flash and genius and charm and they just cried Uncle and handed degrees to him.

"M'a genius."

"Modest as always, sir."

"No—no, I am! M'a genius. Gen'us, billion're, pl'boy, phi… lanthropist." When had he gotten onto the couch? Nevermind. It was a great idea to put a couch into one little secluded corner in the lab. Best decision ever. "Don' need her. M'still Iron Man! I can… I'll show her. I c'n get any'ne." He was a master of seduction, and could charm anyone! And he had a Tower full of the universe's sexiest superheroes – _of which he was one, thank you _– and he could even get—

"Yeah. Yeah. Jay, makeanote."

"Sir?"

"M'th'greatest playboy in th'world! And m'gonna s'duce th'Avengers!"

"…..Yes, sir."

"Y'make a note? Mean it… Jay… y'better…"

Finally, he passed out.

* * *

_You're leaving now for my own good._

_That's cool but if my friends ask where you are, I'm gonna say-_

* * *

**End Chapter 1. Walk on, Traveler of Worlds.**

So hey, guys! It figures that Avengers would be the first thing to bring me out of my long, long stint from the fanfiction writing world! I'm going to go ahead and put this under the Steve/Tony tags, even though this is all still preslash. The INTENT is for this to eventually lead into a Superhusbands fic down the line. But right now, all shippers can enjoy this Tony-centric fic, I hope. :D


End file.
